Spiritually Toxic

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. The ex-bf (as noted in another post) has re-emerged in my life and I've been spending what most people (myself included) would consider an inordinate amount of time examining his life and his current relationship.

Apparently, I'm not the only one taking an interest as he mentioned he's received advice from other friends who have all said the same thing about the new woman - RUN! RUN AWAY NOW!!

But I feel that I, more so than others, needed to figure out just WHY I have this sense of so much urgency in getting him to see her in a truer light. After all, I'm not going out with him anymore. I could without any guilt announce that none of this is any of my business and walk away from it. But I've not done that, and instead have continued to pull and tug at his situation to get at the truth, whatever it may be.

At long last, I think I figured it out.

There are a lot of different types of spirituality, and I have a lot of respect for whatever people decide is their best path to a more spiritually aware existence....as long as it's authentic.

An authentically spiritually aware person - regardless of their personal religious beliefs - recognizes the unity in the human spirit. When one harms another person's spirit either through unkind words or actions, or through lies, or through deception, one cannot help but harm one's own spirit in the process. It's a full scale lose-lose scenario. By harming another person, their own soul becomes diminished and corrupted.

The authentically spiritually aware person literally cannot bring themselves to deliberately do harm to another person unless they have been so greatly provoked that they fall victim to their baser instincts. Their understanding of how entwined they are with the One Spirit of the universe makes such actions seem suicidal. Gratuitously hurting someone else out of spite, or out of selfishness, is abhorrent.

The person who claims to be spiritually aware and professes to live according an enlightened understanding of the universe, but who then engages in vindictive acts or vicious speech against another person is not authentic. They are pretending to be something they are not, and what makes them particularly toxic is that they KNOW they're not what they claim to be. Given the choice, they'd sooner choose to manipulate and disrespect others because that is where they find the most satisfaction. The "higher plane" is nothing more than window dressing.

This is beyond the ordinary sins every person experiences in their lives from time to time. We all have gossiped about someone behind their back, we all have made false judgments about others, we all have lied at one time or another to gain an advantage, but there is a huge difference between the ordinary failings of human nature and the spiritually toxic person.

The biggest difference is remorse. Under ordinary circumstances, when confronted by the pain we've caused another person, the ordinary person is remorseful. We feel bad that we hurt someone's feelings. We realize we've done harm, and we're sorry. We're empathetic. We apologize and try to make amends. Even if we meant to hurt someone out of anger, once the anger dissipates, we realize how it was emotion that led the action and we suffer some measure of regret.

The spiritually toxic person suffers no such mental anguish. The goal is to win the game. It is to appear smarter, stronger, and more in control, and their favorite tactic is to undermine those they see as less smart or unworthy of their respect. And they never apologize for anything.

Their chief weapon is to keep their opponent (or target is probably a better word) emotionally off balance. In an emotionally unstable state, such as when deeply infatuated, or depressed, or fearful, the mind cannot properly process the information it's being fed. In other words, logic goes right out the window.

So the spiritually toxic person zeros in on the emotional weaknesses and exploits them. They'll criticize small seemingly inconsequential points because if they criticized the big things, the target might stop to question them. By focusing on smaller points, the target doesn't pay them much attention initially. They feel a little prick and then it passes. They write it off as unimportant, or worse they find themselves apologizing to the spiritually toxic person for not meeting their expectations.

It might be a criticism about appearance, or about job status, or about home status, or about the kind of car they have, or even sexual performance. If it's not an outright criticism, then it's a suggestion on how to "improve" these small flaws.

However, all those little shots add up and before long each little sting of criticism gets heaped on all the others and without even being aware that it's happening, the target soon believes they are as worthless and weak as they're being told, which is where the spiritually toxic person wants them.

A spiritually and emotionally weak person is a tasty morsel for the spiritually toxic person. They can say whatever pops into their head and the weaker person will believe and react without question because more than anything they suddenly want what they now believe can only come from the toxic person - approval and affection.

The toxic person, having received the desired reaction from the target, delights in this imbalance of power. They are now the mood setter for the target. It is entirely within their control to determine if the target will have a good day, or a bad day. One word of praise, and the target feels good. One word of criticism, and the target feels terrible.

In normal relationships there are also good days and bad days, but they occur naturally and not as the result of one partner setting the stage and then directing the script. In normal relationships, there is usually a string of good days interrupted by the occasional bad day.

A toxic relationship is where one partner hangs on pins and needles 99% of the time waiting, waiting, waiting for the verdict. Will I be loved today? Will I be rejected today? Will there be laughter, or will there be tears? A toxic relationship at its worst is when the target no longer has "good" days. There are bad days, and then there are "waiting" days. Days where the target does not experience any joy, but only the relentless pressure of waiting for the other shoe to drop that indicates a bad day has begun.

When it comes to my ex-bf's new companion, having now heard and witnessed more and more of the details of this relationship, I can't think of anyone more spiritually toxic, and this sense of almost overwhelming urgency is realizing that if she wins - if she achieves the level of control in his life that she is so desperately seeking, then his very soul will ultimately be sucked out of him.

I loved this man with great passion and intensity. If I saw a truck headed his way, I would pull him away. If he was addicted to alcohol or drugs, I'd schedule an intervention. I would do it, regardless of my current status as the ex-gf, because I am a spiritually aware person and it is against everything I believe about God and the Universe to ignore when someone I care about is in jeopardy. The label I might carry in his life is irrelevant. He is, to me, a loved one, and loved ones cannot be abandoned.

My most fervent prayer is that God grants him the grace of mental clarity and vision so that he can see the danger he's in, and that God also grants him the strength and perseverance to save himself from it.