Exercises in patience and faith.

Several seemingly disparate themes that have been playing out prominently in my life lately might have more in common than I would have guessed.

1) The music group at church. 2) My recent dating experiences. 3) My best friend's marital troubles. 4) A book I'm reading on Zen Buddhism. 5) A recent homily by Fr. Andrew Ciferni.

Fasten your seatbelts while I tie this all together....

In the last several months that our new director has been working with the music group at church, there has been an increasing sense of frustration, concern, and even anger over the music selection, tempos, time spent in rehearsal, directorial cues, and more. The battle for control has progressively been escalating with the very strong personalities of the group members clashing at every rehearsal with the equally strong personality of the new director.

I've been as guilty as anyone else in the group about giving my opinion on what should be done, how it should be done, and who should be doing it. Our performances, as a whole, have been sliding towards mediocrity, which appears to be the only thing we all agree on. At least in my opinion, this decline is no doubt due to the fact that everyone is so busy trying to make themselves heard that no one pays enough attention to the music, which is why we're there in the first place.

Core Issue - we all have a vision in our heads about how the group should sound and we are all determined to make it happen as we envision it.

Also in the last month I met a man with whom I had an instant connection, even before we met in person, the likes of which I don't believe I've ever experienced even with my ex-husband and my ex-bf. This man pushes every button I've got - intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically - and I am both ridiculously happy and terrified.

Core Issue - I have a vision in my head about how this relationship could work out and I deeply want that vision to materialize.

My best friend has been working 24/7 on her relationship with her husband. They are locked in a deep conflict filled with emotion, anger, fear, resentment, and have I mentioned fear?

Core Issue - They both have a vision of who the other partner should be and they are trying to convince each other why they each should achieve that vision.

In the book on Zen Bhuddism (titled "Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies, and the Truth"), the author relates how he finally gets his dream job of all time - a fantasy he didn't think would ever come true - and within a very short time, it turns out to be just another job.

Core Issue - He had a vision in his head about what this dream job would be like, and how it would make him feel, but that vision clashed with the eventual reality. The very thing he was convinced would make him happy left him feeling the same as he did in his last job and the job before that and the job before that....

Now for the homily (which I will probably misquote because I meant to transcribe it and never did).....

Fr. Andrew spoke on the Gospel reading of Jesus throwing the merchants out of the temple. This is where Jesus finds people selling stuff inside the temple, which is supposed to be a house of prayer and not a place of commerce.

The merchants were doing a booming business inside the temple because there was a lot of emphasis placed on HOW to conduct worship. People wanted to be sure they had the right animals, the best specimens, the top tier materials because anything less might indicate they didn't care about their worship.

Rather than using the materials as a vehicle for their worship, they were at a point where, as Andrew described it, "Their vision of something was being blocked by worship."

This determination to achieve the vision of perfection means people "run the risk of thinking that the temple of stone, brick, wood or mud in the last analysis is a disposable container for the flesh and blood temples that we are individually and corporately."

We are the temples in which God dwells. How fully and how completely God dwells there depends on how freely we embrace God's presence, and how willingly we acknowledge God's presence in one another.

From Fr. Andrew - "In each other, honor God 'whose temples we have become'. Walk around realizing that you are constantly encountering temple. Honor God in each other."

If I can set aside my "vision" of what I think should be the perfect manifestation of God and God's will in my life, I may come to see what is already perfect and already manifested by God.

It's not easy to do because so many things work to convince us that what we envision is what will bring us happiness. It's hard not to chase after the promise of a dream. However, it may be that the path to lasting happiness lies not in having dreams or visions come true, but in the peace of knowing that in this moment, in this space, in all circumstances, God's love is the truth.

Snake Handling

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Lots of emotional upheaval for many reasons. The diagnosis of a serious illness for a close family member took some wind out of my sails. The prognosis is good, all things considered, and for that I am grateful. It is still a big mental and emotional adjustment to make, but I know we have all we need to get through it.

The saga of the ex-BF continued in a warped, dysfunctional, and painful manner, but as noted in my previous posts, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, so whatever consequences I have suffered have been because of my own choices.

Given how the whole thing has ultimately ended, I really had to give a lot of thought to what actually did happen and why because I’m not sure yet that it ended well at all. I know the ex doesn’t think it ended well. At the moment he’s one very sad and angry man, and by now has probably convinced himself that all of my actions were done for no other reason than to hurt and disrupt him.

Nothing could be further from the truth although I will acknowledge that he did, in fact, get hurt. It was not intentional any more than all the hurt caused to me and the others involved. There were a lot of bad choices being made on all sides and choices - whether bad or good - carry consequences. Sometimes you can see what those consequences will be and avoid the ones that are painful. Other times, you do the best you can with what you know and deal with the outcome.

If I tried to outline the details of the whole situation, I’d be getting calls from Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer asking me to come on the show. It was that bad.

By Sunday, I was almost completely overwhelmed by this toxic cesspool of dysfunctional behavior - and believe me, I am including myself in that description - and I went to Mass with a mind and heart positively boiling over with sadness, pain, and anger.

The first reading for Sunday was from an obscure section of the Book of Numbers and involved a story of cranky Israelites getting the smackdown from God in the form of serpents who bite. When the Israelites finally apologized for being so cranky and ungrateful, the cure for those who had been bitten by the serpents was to look upon a bronze serpent erected by Moses. Anyone who gazed directly at the bronze serpent would be healed of their bites. (I love Old Testament stories, don't you?)

And Father Andrew, who is an outstanding homilist, began his homily by saying, “The May 2005 issue of National Geographic Magazine cover story is ‘Poison – 12 Toxic Tales’. In the article the author reminds or teaches us that poison is a stealth killer effective in very small amounts. It can lead to death. But it’s also about life. What can kill, can cure.”

Toxicity is apparently the theme of the month.

Father Andrew went on to explain that in order to develop a better snake anti-venom, technicians inject a small amount of the venom into a chicken and then harvest the protein from their eggs to make the anti-venom. “The venom of serpents is a toxin, and that same venom has the potential to become the prescription that heals.”

This same concept (according to Fr. Andrew) is also be applicable to humanity. When you engage in a truthful examination of self and in a truthful dialog with others, you experience, consciously or not, the “truth of the snake”.

“If it bit you, whatever “it” may be, if it’s still biting you, if its teeth are still in your arm, or in your heart, or in your head, and you refuse to look at it, to pay concentrated and long attention to it, it will kill you or at least paralyze you for life.”

My ex is the snake that bit me and for the year that we were apart, I refused to look, concentrate, or pay any attention to the bite that was slowly paralyzing me in my life.

It wasn’t until I found out the situation he was falling into with the Toxic One that I had any inkling that it was time to pay attention to what bit me. According to Father Andrew there is a theological term for this - “Aufheben” - “auf” meaning “up”, “Heben” meaning “heave”. Upheaval.

I can’t even say it was a conscious thought. I never said to myself, “You know, maybe it’s time I finally dealt with this because a year later my life is still being paralyzed by this relationship that I ended.” That thought never entered my mind. It wasn’t about me. It was about my ex and his snakes. It was about the toxin entering his life.

Or so I thought.

The homily went on - “God disrupts our lives….. Jesus who went before us and taught us how to look around beyond our present comforts, the destruction of our little idols such as job success, advanced placement children, unchallenging religious life, smug status, you fill in the blanks. God changes us in, and through, one another’s care as we accompany those who are in special times in their lives where looking at the snake is painful, but necessary.

God makes a new creation as we are given the grace to keep our eyes steadfastly on what is biting us perhaps only after days, or weeks, or months, or many years of unforgiveness. God is creating wounded, but healed healers out of us."

And that is exactly how I saw myself - a wounded, but healed healer available to help my ex keep his eyes steadfastly on what was biting him. I was hopeful - no, certain - that if I could convince him to keep his focus on the truths about himself and about the situation he was in, then he would choose a wiser path.

And perhaps I did do that for him to a certain extent. Perhaps I did it for someone else in his life who is struggling to come to terms with her own “snakes”. I certainly hope there was, or will be, some benefit derived from all that transpired although I can't control how anyone else chooses to interpret my actions. Nor can I control what choices people will make even when confronted with what appears to be an obvious truth about themselves or their life.

But it was when I heard this next part that I realized how much this was also about the upheaval that I needed in my own life:

"They were worshiping something that in the past had been a good and had now become a god. A blessing had become an idol. So God created an upheaval. Our God will not be displaced. One way or another, even yesterday’s blessings will bite us and we will need to look at them long and hard before we will be healed and move on to the next step in the journey."

“Paying attention to what is biting us”, Andrew concluded, “will reveal the idols that need to be smashed….”

Whether it’s someone who hurt us in the past, or something that caused us pain or sorrow, or something that is causing us to be fearful, or even something that was originally a great good, when it consumes our thoughts and drives our actions in spite of, and above, everything else, that is when it becomes an “idol” in our lives. We become bound to it rather than being bound to God.

My “idol” was the dream of finally having the relationship I always wanted with the man I wanted to have it with, even though he had repeatedly demonstrated that it was never going to be. My desire for it was so strong that I became distracted from everything else and allowed it to paralyze my life even when he wasn't there. It wasn’t until I went through the painful process of steadfastly and truthfully looking at him, and at myself, that I could finally smash that idol.

He was, and still is, a man I love. But the snake bite has been healed, the idolized and idealized relationship is gone for good, and my life is no longer paralyzed. Amen.

Spiritually Toxic

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. The ex-bf (as noted in another post) has re-emerged in my life and I've been spending what most people (myself included) would consider an inordinate amount of time examining his life and his current relationship.

Apparently, I'm not the only one taking an interest as he mentioned he's received advice from other friends who have all said the same thing about the new woman - RUN! RUN AWAY NOW!!

But I feel that I, more so than others, needed to figure out just WHY I have this sense of so much urgency in getting him to see her in a truer light. After all, I'm not going out with him anymore. I could without any guilt announce that none of this is any of my business and walk away from it. But I've not done that, and instead have continued to pull and tug at his situation to get at the truth, whatever it may be.

At long last, I think I figured it out.

There are a lot of different types of spirituality, and I have a lot of respect for whatever people decide is their best path to a more spiritually aware existence....as long as it's authentic.

An authentically spiritually aware person - regardless of their personal religious beliefs - recognizes the unity in the human spirit. When one harms another person's spirit either through unkind words or actions, or through lies, or through deception, one cannot help but harm one's own spirit in the process. It's a full scale lose-lose scenario. By harming another person, their own soul becomes diminished and corrupted.

The authentically spiritually aware person literally cannot bring themselves to deliberately do harm to another person unless they have been so greatly provoked that they fall victim to their baser instincts. Their understanding of how entwined they are with the One Spirit of the universe makes such actions seem suicidal. Gratuitously hurting someone else out of spite, or out of selfishness, is abhorrent.

The person who claims to be spiritually aware and professes to live according an enlightened understanding of the universe, but who then engages in vindictive acts or vicious speech against another person is not authentic. They are pretending to be something they are not, and what makes them particularly toxic is that they KNOW they're not what they claim to be. Given the choice, they'd sooner choose to manipulate and disrespect others because that is where they find the most satisfaction. The "higher plane" is nothing more than window dressing.

This is beyond the ordinary sins every person experiences in their lives from time to time. We all have gossiped about someone behind their back, we all have made false judgments about others, we all have lied at one time or another to gain an advantage, but there is a huge difference between the ordinary failings of human nature and the spiritually toxic person.

The biggest difference is remorse. Under ordinary circumstances, when confronted by the pain we've caused another person, the ordinary person is remorseful. We feel bad that we hurt someone's feelings. We realize we've done harm, and we're sorry. We're empathetic. We apologize and try to make amends. Even if we meant to hurt someone out of anger, once the anger dissipates, we realize how it was emotion that led the action and we suffer some measure of regret.

The spiritually toxic person suffers no such mental anguish. The goal is to win the game. It is to appear smarter, stronger, and more in control, and their favorite tactic is to undermine those they see as less smart or unworthy of their respect. And they never apologize for anything.

Their chief weapon is to keep their opponent (or target is probably a better word) emotionally off balance. In an emotionally unstable state, such as when deeply infatuated, or depressed, or fearful, the mind cannot properly process the information it's being fed. In other words, logic goes right out the window.

So the spiritually toxic person zeros in on the emotional weaknesses and exploits them. They'll criticize small seemingly inconsequential points because if they criticized the big things, the target might stop to question them. By focusing on smaller points, the target doesn't pay them much attention initially. They feel a little prick and then it passes. They write it off as unimportant, or worse they find themselves apologizing to the spiritually toxic person for not meeting their expectations.

It might be a criticism about appearance, or about job status, or about home status, or about the kind of car they have, or even sexual performance. If it's not an outright criticism, then it's a suggestion on how to "improve" these small flaws.

However, all those little shots add up and before long each little sting of criticism gets heaped on all the others and without even being aware that it's happening, the target soon believes they are as worthless and weak as they're being told, which is where the spiritually toxic person wants them.

A spiritually and emotionally weak person is a tasty morsel for the spiritually toxic person. They can say whatever pops into their head and the weaker person will believe and react without question because more than anything they suddenly want what they now believe can only come from the toxic person - approval and affection.

The toxic person, having received the desired reaction from the target, delights in this imbalance of power. They are now the mood setter for the target. It is entirely within their control to determine if the target will have a good day, or a bad day. One word of praise, and the target feels good. One word of criticism, and the target feels terrible.

In normal relationships there are also good days and bad days, but they occur naturally and not as the result of one partner setting the stage and then directing the script. In normal relationships, there is usually a string of good days interrupted by the occasional bad day.

A toxic relationship is where one partner hangs on pins and needles 99% of the time waiting, waiting, waiting for the verdict. Will I be loved today? Will I be rejected today? Will there be laughter, or will there be tears? A toxic relationship at its worst is when the target no longer has "good" days. There are bad days, and then there are "waiting" days. Days where the target does not experience any joy, but only the relentless pressure of waiting for the other shoe to drop that indicates a bad day has begun.

When it comes to my ex-bf's new companion, having now heard and witnessed more and more of the details of this relationship, I can't think of anyone more spiritually toxic, and this sense of almost overwhelming urgency is realizing that if she wins - if she achieves the level of control in his life that she is so desperately seeking, then his very soul will ultimately be sucked out of him.

I loved this man with great passion and intensity. If I saw a truck headed his way, I would pull him away. If he was addicted to alcohol or drugs, I'd schedule an intervention. I would do it, regardless of my current status as the ex-gf, because I am a spiritually aware person and it is against everything I believe about God and the Universe to ignore when someone I care about is in jeopardy. The label I might carry in his life is irrelevant. He is, to me, a loved one, and loved ones cannot be abandoned.

My most fervent prayer is that God grants him the grace of mental clarity and vision so that he can see the danger he's in, and that God also grants him the strength and perseverance to save himself from it.

Relationships

I talked to my ex today. Not the ex-husband (although I should call him and find out how he's doing). The ex-boyfriend. It was a weird and slightly unsettling conversation that's left me feeling rather melancholy.

I called him because I heard through an e-mail exchange that he was "partnering" as one half of a duo with a woman I know from some of the local music circles. I don't know the woman very well at all, but I know who she is and there are a lot of mutual acquaintances, so it was kind of weird to hear third-hand how my ex is now becoming part of that same circle. I don't see it as being a good fit in the long run, but he's apparently interested in pursuing her, so what do I know.

Much to my dismay I found myself asking my ex some very pointed questions about his relationship with this woman. No sooner were the questions out of my mouth than I realized that this is none of my business. I don't need to know if they're dating, or for how long, or if she's met his mother yet, or anything about any of it. I'm not going out with him, so it's not any of my concern.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder about it. We were together for five years...maybe a little more than five years...so I was curious.

He laughed when I apologized for prying and pointed out that I've been bringing up the subject of our breakup nearly every time we talk. As a reminder, he said, you were the one who left.

And I was the one who left. I broke it off. I did more than break it off. I broke it off, then I sold my house, then I moved two hours away from where he lives. I think I've seen him maybe three times in the year since we split up.

I can't say I regret the breakup. What I regret is that the relationship could not be made to work. In the face of such an uphill and unwinnable battle, breaking up was the right decision. I would have preferred though that the battle could have been won.

And that's the part that brings on the melancholy. When things were good between us, things were amazingly good. And when things were good, I loved that man with everything in me.

Unfortunately, the bad was pretty bad and while a lot of bad things can be overlooked or negotiated or compromised, there are some bad things that will never change. It was the never changing bad stuff that finally got me to understand that this was not going to work out.

So I know the decision was good. Every time I've ever started to second guess myself all I have to do is think of one of those unchangeable bad things, the tears that were shed, the less than stellar parts of my personality that were revealed, and I instantly remember why I broke it off.

In the year since we've been apart we've both managed to do a lot of things we always said we wanted to do. We're both doing our musical thing in different areas and with different people. I've regained a lot of my spiritual center. He's been enjoying the freedom of being "single" again. We had our sights set on different goals and what we couldn't accomplish as a couple, we're managing to make happen on our own.

Even so, talking to him today and thinking about him in the arms of another woman just made me feel sad for the loss of what might have been.

High Gas Prices

The current high price of gas is affecting almost every aspect of our lives at this point.

If you drive to work, then a larger portion of your paycheck is going towards paying for your commute. More of the hours you're working are being spent on actually getting to work.

Food prices are increasing because the cost of transporting food across the country to a neighborhood store near you is increasing.

There's less to go around because we need to spend more to get around.

And then there are those being affected by high gas prices that we don't hear so much about.

Charity organizations such as St. Vincent DePaul, Salvation Army, Goodwill Industries, and others rely heavily on their various drop-off points for receiving donations of used goods. It's a convenience provided for people that inspires and encourages giving. Drop off your used items at the nearest bin or trailer, and the organization periodically comes and picks it up. For larger items, some organizations will come to your house and collect your used furniture or appliances.

For a non-profit, charitable organization, their biggest challenge is keeping down their operating expenses so that more of the money they receive from funders and sponsors can go directly to the services they provide. It's what makes a non-profit "non-profit". When operating costs increase, the funding does not. It simply means that out of the funding received, more of it has to be spent on keeping the org running than can be spent on actually helping the people they serve.

With gas prices on an uphill climb, these organizations may end their pickup service and recall their drop-off trailers because the cost of driving the trucks will cut too deeply into their available funds. This would leave would-be doners with the responsibility of bringing their discarded goods to locations that are fewer and farther away than usual. Given the choice between throwing things out and having the trash truck pick it up, or spending the gas money to drive unwanted materials to a building 10-15 miles away, I would guess only the most civic minded individuals will want to make that kind of effort.

Food organizations such as Philabundance face the same problem. Not long ago I contemplated arranging for a series of concerts to be held in various venues throughout the city and suburbs for the purpose of gathering food donations. The food banks in the city and in other areas are running very low. However, when I spoke to the food banks to arrange for a pickup of the donations anticipated for each concert, I was told the total donation would have to be quite substantial to warrant them sending out the truck. I forget the exact number, but I remember it was the equivalent of several pallets worth of food, and not a couple of cartons of canned goods.

This meant that if the food donations received at a concert fell below this minimum requirement, I would either have to arrange for someone to deliver the food, or I would have to store the food somewhere until the total donations of all the concerts reached the required level for pickup. Considering most shows end after 10:00 PM, delivering the food at 2:00 AM seemed impractical at best. Storing the food was an even bigger problem because renting storage space costs money, which I don't have any more of than anyone else.

Speaking of concerts, independent musicians and artists are another group suffering from the high cost of gas. It's a well known fact that bands, songwriters, and musicians who have no record deal and who are playing in clubs and bars around the region are not making money. Most of the money generated these days comes from merchandise sales. Artists may accept little to no payment for a gig as long as they get to set up a table to sell their CD's, t-shirts, and whatever other tschokas they may have available.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of gigs that are played where nothing sells and the sum total of payment ends up being some drink coupons for the bar. This is definitely not worth the cost of fuel to haul drums, guitars, amplifiers, and other equipment to a gig that may only last 20 minutes worth of playing time.

Add that to the already restrictive climate in the music industry, and more and more voices will be silenced.

Meals-on-Wheels, organizations that offer transit service to dialysis and hospital treatment, animal rescue groups, art and music orgs, traveling theater groups, book mobiles, mobile medical clinics, needle exchange programs, music festivals, art festivals, and hundreds of other small, independent groups that bring food, health care, literacy, art, and music to the very doorsteps of the poor are all affected and could eventually disappear simply because they can't afford to get where they need to go.

We're a society that's slowly dying from the ground up, and as my mother and I discussed yesterday, I wonder how much harm needs to be done before people become willing to take action.

The Atheist's Billboard

Philly.com ran an article about a billboard that's now up on I-95 that asks "Don't believe in God? You are not alone."

The billboard was financed by a couple of atheist and free-thought groups who wanted to reach out to like-minded people.

None of that is a problem...at least not for me. Every group or organization needs to do outreach in order to reach the people they serve, and to obtain funds to sustain themselves. The Catholic Church put up billboards to encourage men to join the priesthood, Latter Day Saints have TV commercials, and I don't know if it's even possible to count how many hours of programming on both TV and radio goes to evangelical Christians.

So everybody has their right to speak about their faith, everybody has a right to try and teach their faith to those who might be interested, and even this blog (while not advertised or shared with many) is a reflection of my beliefs.

Philly.com, which has serious problems with religion, particularly Catholics, not only gave the story about this billboard front page space, but they included a Comment section and a poll to find out how many people believe in God.

The poll was not restricted, which means you could vote as many times as you liked. The non-God believers were well out in front, although there's no way to know if that's an indication of an increase in atheistic thinking, or if it's an indication that some people had way too much time on their hands. Given Philly.com's aforementioned anti-religion tendencies, it would not surprise me to find the counter had been unevenly set so a non-God pollster's vote would count while the God pollster's vote would be blocked. But that's just me being paranoid*, so I'm sticking with people voting numerous times to boost the numbers.

*Note: The very next day Philly.com featured a story about a sex shop in West Chester that faced objections from the local Catholic church and school that are apparently nearby. This article also invited comments and a poll as whether the church should protest the location of the shop. If anybody happens to see an article about the war in Iraq, or Darfur, or any other national news on the front page, let me know. Better yet, if Philly.com ever invites commentary from the public on the war in Iraq, Darfur, or any other national news on the front page, I'd like to see that too. But I digress....


I read over the comments even though most of them depressed me because of the complete lack of critical thinking being applied to what is usually a complex topic. This is not a blog about proving whether or not God exists, or whether or not people should believe in God. This blog is about how people arrive at their conclusions. It's about thought processes that have no basis in logic.

On the pro-God side, there were Scripture quotes, warnings of dire circumstances to the immortal soul, and I think my favorite was the person who warned non-believers "don't you dare call out to God on your deathbed..."

As Catholic as I am, these kinds of retorts wear me out. Oh, good LORD! Number 1, when an atheist demands proof of God's existence, there's no reason to run to the one book the atheist will reject out of hand. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up, and really, it's not necessary.

Number 2, what possible effect could the threat of hell fire and damnation have on a person who rejects the concept of a god - never mind a judgmental god?

And then to top that off with a "Don't you dare call out to God on your deathbed..."?!? Okay, way to miss the point of forgiveness and the infinite mercy of the god this person presumably claims to believe in. Why not just come right out and say it..."We don't want your kind in heaven anyway!"

The roll call of saints is filled with the names of people who sinned ,fell down, made mistakes, hurt someone's feelings, had doubts, asked questions, and demanded better answers, which is, IMO, what brought them to the level of faith found in the hearts of those we call saints.

Had the person been around that said, "Don't you dare call out to God....", I wonder how far any of them would have gotten in their search for God.

It's flawed thinking and that's what I find offensive about it. There are very good answers to many of the questions set forth in these discussions, and it annoys me to no end to watch people completely bypass the answer that has substance and reach immediately for the rhetoric. It's when I see commentary such as this running rampant on public discussion boards that I find value in having a centralized authority in the Church. There are people out there who think they are an authority on faith when they themselves are so lost they end up confusing everyone around them. The Tower of Babel must have been an oasis of contemplative thought compared to the mindless chatter of these comments.

And speaking of flawed thinking, the atheists aren't off the hook either.

My biggest complaint with those who choose to refute the existence of God generally (in my experience) start off by listing their issues with religion.

A religion is a man-made collection of practices and rituals used to express belief. It's a tool. Like any tool, when it falls into the hands of irresponsible people, it can be used to cause harm. This does not make it a bad tool. Even a hammer can bash someone's skull in, but no one disputes that when you want to drive a nail you might want to pick up the hammer.

When it comes to God, it's all about the religion - bad priests, thieving ministers, bullying nuns, self-serving reverends who think the "love donation" is for them. If the person representing the religion fails, then all faith is lost. Where else does this happen? Doctors malpractice and people die, but I don't see any push to abandon medicine. Lawyers malpractice and innocent people go to jail, or guilty people go free, or people go bankrupt from losing frivolous lawsuits, and I don't see any push to abandon the legal system.

For some reason the distinction between someone who sucks at their job and the value of their profession is clear when it comes to anything other than religion. Religious men and women of any denomination are as human and as subject to wrongdoing as the most secular of human beings. I claim to have faith. I don't claim to have perfection.

The next popular reason for rejecting God often reads like this: "When I was (6, 7, 8, 9) years old, I figured out the Bible was just a bunch of stories and decided there was no need for God or religion."

I'm not knocking people who were, I'm sure, bright children, but developing a complete understanding of issues as complex as God, creation, morality, spirituality, etc., is pretty much beyond the reach of the elementary school child.

• Age 9 - Nine is a good sleeper, but some do have nightmares. Nightmares tend to be related to the general anxiety of this age and have frightening themes such as being fires, storms, snakes, being chased, or someone being killed. Nine is developing a conscience. In contrast to age eight, nine year olds do not show a great interest in God and religion, and many do not want to go to church and Sunday School. They do have a basic ethical feeling and faith, however, and will pray to God when they are in need.

(Source: From Kimberly L. Keith, Your Guide to Parenting of K-6 Children)

So for a surprising number of commenters, their lifelong decision on the existence of God was based entirely on their perception of the world when they were 9 years old, and that perception was completely in keeping with their age and development. I wonder what other 9 year old traits have been preserved.

When it comes to God (and politics), there are no easy answers. There are no quick courses to be taken, or snap judgments that can be made with any confidence. No matter what the belief, ask the hard questions, demand better answers and be open to change.

Best Example of Blatant Hypocrisy Award

A contender for the Best Example of Blatant Hypocrisy Award:

Crossing Market Street the other day, I passed in front of a Hummer that was waiting to turn the corner.

Hummers used to be merely offensive. At this point in time they’re antagonistically obnoxiously offensive.

So of course I walked slower so the Hummer would have to idle longer and possibly miss the light.

It did get around the corner, however, and as this top of the line, shiny, tricked out assault vehicle passed by me on a Center City street, I got a good look at the wheel cover on the back.

In big white letters: "Mission to Preach"

Yes, some minister from what is most likely some storefront evangelical church most likely located in a poorer neighborhood managed to convince his congregation that in order to be a soldier for Christ, one needs the proper vehicle. You can’t win a war without a tank, dontcha know, so cough up those Love Donations and buy this pastor a Hummer!

Random Street Scenes III

I spent the morning in the local ER with my son who was doubled over with abdominal pain and vomiting.

He's fine, thankfully, but it's not his story I'm writing. Not that it isn't interesting, but I suspect it's probably only interesting to me and those who know him.

What was more interesting was the conversation going on in the bay next to us.

The patient, a woman, had been in a car accident. Her injuries were not horribly serious, fortunately, but she was banged up pretty good and was quite upset over the whole incident.

She kept asking for her husband and when he arrived, she completely broke down. Sobbing over the damage to the car, the impending insurance hassles, the possible legal problems if the other driver decided to sue even though it wasn't her fault, she summed up her frustration by saying, "Boy, when I screw up, I really screw the pooch, don't I?"

I'm not familiar with this particular saying, but now that I've heard it, I've decided I want to use it as often as possible although preferably when someone else screws up and not me.

Meanwhile, her husband was doing a terrific job of being supportive and trying to calm her down. He kept reassuring her that everything would work out and the most important thing was that she was not seriously injured. He seemed to be very calm and I was grateful he wasn't one of those husbands who freak out about the car before asking about their spouse.

Even so, he did seem to have something on his mind because as gentle as he was he kept pushing her through her story. Finally, when his wife stopped crying and seemed a little more settled he got to ask the burning question that apparently had been on his mind ever since he got there.

I heard him ask in a tentative, almost childlike tone, "So....what's it like when those air bags go off?"

That is such a guy question.

An Extraordinary Easter

A Happy and Blessed Easter to all.

There's a lot I could write about as I sit back and review the last couple of weeks.

I could write about the rigors of being a liturgical musician in a prominent church where the standards for musical excellence are set pretty high, and MUCH higher than in your average parish.

I'd have to sit down and do the full count of new pieces learned over the course of the last few weeks, but I do know it was a lot of music. In spite of the time limits, the music came together quite nicely and there were moments of pure musical joy - those moments when the congregation is fully engaged in the music and the sound swells in the building and the words "Sing to the Lord" come alive.

I could write about the living theater aspect of liturgy. The Good Friday service was intense and emotional. The Easter Vigil, a marathon of reading, singing, torches, trumpets, bowing, and full-throated Alleluias, was exhilarating and exhausting.

But I think I want to write most about hearing God in everyday actions and events. Some may call certain events coincidence, or irony, or karma, or some don't see any connection at all. Life can be just a random series of events that have little or nothing to do with anything.

I've never believed that. For me, there is an order to all things. I may not always understand the reason behind some things, but I have always recognized that there is a reason. I also believe that it is through the course of seemingly ordinary events that God becomes most present to me.

One mistake in thinking that seems to be very common is thinking that the small events of one's life are not worthy of God's attention. This is often referred to as "God has more important things to worry about."

Indeed there are problems in the world of far greater magnitude and significance than the small irritations of an otherwise prosperous life, but it's important, I think, to keep a firm grasp on the concept of omnipotence. For an omnipotent God, who has created all things and knows all things in all times and places, what is there that God could not know?

If I believe that God is love expressed in its purest form, unhindered by any false expectations and unceasingly offered, then what is there that God would not care about? God cares about every event from the smallest to the largest not because the event itself matters, but because what we choose to do and how we choose to act matters greatly.

What is the greatest commandment? Love the Lord, your God, with your whole heart, your whole mind, and your whole soul. And the second is like it - love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Even in the most insignificant moments of our lives we can show love for God and love for neighbor, and it is when we choose to not show this love that the insignificant events become as important as catastrophes in the eyes of God.

Case in point:

Prior to Easter Vigil Mass, someone said something to me that I thought was unkind. It may have been unintentional. Maybe it was meant to be unkind, or maybe it wasn't. I don't know. I do know that I interpreted it as unkindness and as a result, my feelings were hurt. So I sulked all the way through Mass and was still sulking when it was over and I was on my way home.

It was one sentence out of a whole evening of sentences, out of months of sentences filled with kindness and friendship, but this one unkind sentence is the one that I could not, would not, let go.

On the ride home, in the course of conversation with the person who was driving, I made a similarly unkind comment about the person who I thought had been unkind to me. Almost immediately, I realized how poorly I was responding based on some minor insult that I let anger me. Unfortunately, the words were already out of my mouth and after having heard less than an hour earlier a homily on the consequences of responding to evil with evil, I found myself doing exactly that. I had the opportunity to respond to an insult with love, grace, and good humor. Instead I responded with an ill temper and sarcasm.

The next morning at Easter Sunday Mass, the very same issue that was at the root of all the crabbiness from the day before took center stage by way of a series of unforeseen circumstances. It didn't take me long to realize how the situation was snowballing. Neither did it take me long to realize that I would have been much better off had I held my sarcastic tongue rather than making a flip and unnecessary remark.

A small event to be sure. Compared to the war in Iraq and the atrocities in Darfur, it is microscopic in its significance to the world.

However, in God's eyes this little vignette of communication is important for the same reason as the other, more dramatic, events. The greatest commandments are being broken.

Lent

I finally figured out what I wanted to do during Lent this year, and I can't believe how much trouble I'm having with it!

I love Lent.  I know many people see it as a dark, depressing time of low self-esteem, but I've never thought of it that way.  

To me, it's genuinely a time to try and change habits that will in turn change me as a person.  Maybe break some old bad habits, or start some new good habits.  

When I sincerely put my mind to the task, I can accomplish a lot during Lent.  I've had years where the revelations and self-discovery have been truly life changing experiences.  I've had other years where maybe the results weren't so dramatic, but there were results just the same.

This year I decided that I would tackle one of my biggest issues - food.  I am an outstanding yo-yo dieter having lost and gained and gained and lost the equivalent of a suburban family over the years.  If I keep it up, I'll most likely gain and lose the van and the family dog as well.

It occurred to me that the core issue is that I simply do not pay enough attention to what I'm eating or doing.  I am not thinking about the consequences to my body or my health.  I eat what I want, when I want it, and sometimes even when I don't want it.  

On the other hand, I do not want to become the type of dieter who is good for only one topic of conversation.  I know people who, if they talked about sex as much as they talk about food and weight, would be labeled sex addicts and recommended for treatment.  It's a bizarre obsession to talk constantly about something that shouldn't require that much attention.

I figured I could use Lent as a time to try and achieve the happy medium.  I decided to consciously practice saying grace before meals.  Every meal.  Every snack.  Every item of food I decided to put into my mouth would be first blessed with a prayer and thanks to God for the abundance of my existence.  Let's face it - the only thing between my problems with obesity and the starving people of Ethiopia is where I happened to be born.  Were it not for the accident of my birth granted through the grace of God, I could be living in a Third World country right now not knowing where my next meal was coming from - if there would even be a next meal. 

The thought is that the more conscious I become of what and when I eat, plus the conscious act of giving thanks for something I should not take for granted, would bring food up to the appropriate level of importance in my life.  The hope is that as I become more conscious of food as a gift, the less I will eat on impulse, the more I will eat foods that are healthy and worthy of offering to God.

What surprises me is how hard it's been for me to remember to do this one small thing!  Halfway through a meal I'll realize I never gave thanks for it.  Even if I remind myself before stepping into the kitchen, once the food is on the plate, all is forgotten.  Proof positive of how mindless the act of eating has become.  

There's a few more weeks left to Lent, so I'll continue the effort and hope that in the end there's a lasting benefit because of it.

On Sickness and Health

I heard a talk recently given by a man who subscribes to a particular religious practice that emphasizes the power the mind, the power that thought, has over one's quality of life.

In general, I don't dispute this idea. There is no question in my mind that if I go out into the world every day with the thought that I am going to have a lousy day and the whole world sucks, I will indeed have a lousy day and the world will invariably suck.

We see what affirms us because the alternative would be to have to accept something that's contrary to what we already believe, and that's pretty uncomfortable.

We also see what is most relevant to us and tend to ignore what has no meaning.

Women who find out they are pregnant often think there's a pregnancy epidemic the next time they go food shopping because everywhere they turn they will see other women with big bellies or newborns.

Is this truly a sudden rise in fertility, or is it that they're noticing pregnant women more than they used to because now pregnancy is personally relevant to them?

Superstitious people do this all the time. "If I see a red rose, then I'll know Grandma is thinking of me." "If I see a white butterfly, then I'll know my dead spouse has blessed my new love." "If I see a white rose, then I'll know the Blessed Mother heard my prayer." They start out looking for that specific item, which now has great personal relevance, and it will appear that the required item is everywhere they turn.  They will see that item because it will affirm what they already believe. The alternative would be to not see the item and believe that Grandma isn't thinking of them, there's no blessing from anyone on the new love, and prayers have gone unheard and unanswered. Who would want that to happen?!

Try it at home. Fill in the blanks - If I see (or hear or meet) ________, then I'll know _________. 

Count how many times you see or hear or meet the object you've chosen to see.

If the power of thought greatly affects how we perceive the world, then it is no stretch to understand how thought can affect our perceptions of others. I've tried this myself and it was an enlightening revelation.

If I believe people are inherently unkind, jealous, greedy, selfish, and mean, then I will find affirmation for that belief in every person I meet. I will interpret every action or word coming from their lips as being rooted in unkindness, jealousy, greed, selfishness, and meanness, and so even while still being able to notice some good points, I will perceive them to be as awful as I thought.

If I believe people are inherently kind, compassionate, and giving, then I will find affirmation for that belief in every person I meet. I will interpret every action or word coming from their lips as being rooted in goodness and so even while still being aware of their faults, I will perceive them to be as good as I thought.

In Catholicism this is called looking through the eyes of Jesus or through eyes of charity. Seeing someone through eyes of charity that confirms their inherent goodness leads one to forgiveness and other good habits.

But I digress. The idea is that where one points one's mind is where one will find what one expects to find.

In the talk I mentioned earlier, this idea of the power of thought expanded to include physical health and sickness. The concept (as I understood it) is that while it is true that viruses exist and bacteria exist, their ability to make a person ill can be limited or eliminated by rejecting the notion of illness and embracing the reality of health.

So if I contract a serious illness, I can envision my life beyond that illness, I can envision myself as a healthy human being, and through the power of this vision, I will become healthy and without illness regardless of what all might be swimming around in my bloodstream.

Here's my problem with this concept. In the first two examples given above, nothing altered the reality of what exists. A pregnant woman who sees other pregnant women everywhere isn't seeing things that aren't true, nor did she conjure other pregnant women up out of the power of her own thought. The other pregnant women were always there in the same numbers as they were before she became pregnant herself. It's the person's perception that changes, not the world around them.

People who see signs and portents in the most mundane things are not creating those signs out of their own thought. They are perceiving the world in a particular way that affirms their beliefs and it would take a change in that perspective for them to stop seeing omens everywhere. It would not require a change of the physical world. We'd have just as many white roses as before, but with less significance attached to them.

When it comes to sickness and health the same principles must apply. I can definitely alter my perception of my own illness. If I have a cold, I can choose to wallow in misery, or I can choose to remain upbeat, but in either case, I will still have a cold.

I also can believe that maintaining a positive attitude will help determine the length of my illness; however, I don't believe this is because there's an alteration in the function of viruses or bacteria.  I believe a positive attitude makes one more willing to listen to one's own body and rest when the body demands rest.  A positive attitude makes one more willing to seek out remedies that promote good health and be compliant with taking medications, if necessary.  The body doesn't become or stay healthy because it's obeying the mind.  The body stays healthy because all of these good habits and positive steps boost the human immune system and make it more resistant to illness.  

Conversely, people with negative attitudes tend to not treat themselves very well.  A negative person with an illness will often hold onto it like a security blanket.  They don't seek out remedies, they don't comply with doctor's instructions, they skip their meds, they don't rest, and instead they self-sabotage every opportunity for getting better.  Negative people tend to stay sicker longer not because the body is obeying the mind, but because the mind influences their behavior, and their behavior is counter productive.

Thought leads to behavior.  Behavior leads to results.  Positive thoughts --- good behaviors --- good results.  Negative thoughts --- poor behaviors ---- poor results.

What I find most objectionable about the idea that I can think my way to good health or think my way out of an illness is that the blame for being sick now rests squarely on the shoulders of the person who is suffering. 

There are other religious groups who believe that the cure for all illness lies in faith alone.  If the sick person would only believe in God strongly enough, or believe in Jesus' healing power with enough faith, then they would be cured.  The lack of a cure indicates the sick person must have failed somehow.  They didn't believe enough.  Their faith was too weak and so God denied them a cure.

I don't see where the power of the mind idea is any different.  If I remain ill, then it must be because I'm not setting my mind to it properly.  I'm not tapping into the great cosmic power.  I am somehow still choosing to be ill because if I sincerely and completely chose to be healthy, I would be cured.

I can't think of anything more cruel than to tell a sick person this is what they chose for themselves.  To me, it's on the same level as telling a homosexual they chose their orientation and if they would just change their mind, they wouldn't be a homosexual anymore.

Regardless of our personal attitudes, the human body remains finite and mortal.  It remains subject to the laws of biology, physiology, chemistry and all the other elements of the physical world and while it is within our power to improve how we survive within those parameters, the power to change them entirely rests with the One who created them.