Hospital billing is not for the weak.

The Benefit Concert went very well and was pretty successful, thanks to many generous individuals. As the steward of the proceeds, I ventured forth to fulfill my obligation to determine exactly how much was to be distributed and to whom.

I am no stranger to the vagaries of hospital billing. I help publish books on the subject, so I was prepared for the first step - finding out who was billing for what services.

There were 4 trips to the ER over the last year. This, I knew, would result in 8 separate bills - two bills for each trip.

One bill from the hospital. One bill from the ER doctors.

What I was not prepared to for was the revelation that EACH visit and EACH bill would be listed under a DIFFERENT account number.

Most companies that generate bills link the account number to the individual. Therefore, no matter where you live, no matter how many times you purchase goods or services from the same company, they can tell you how much you owe them. I am Donna Lynn and my account number is --- -- -----------.

Not so with hospitals. The account number is linked to the date of service, or DOS in billing jargon. Each DOS is assigned its own account number. If you had 4 trips to the hospital, then you get 4 different account numbers. If you were actually seen by a doctor during that trip, then there's an account number for that too.

So, 4 dates of service equals 4 hospital bills with 4 different account numbers plus 4 doctor bills with 4 different account numbers. Everybody with me so far?

Now, given that the payment is late on these multiple accounts because of waiting for state aid to kick in, some of these bills have gone into collection, BUT not to the same collection agency. One agency has one bill for the hospital for one DOS. The other hospital bills for the other DOS are with a different agency. The bills for the physicians? Those are somewhere else altogether.

Moving on - two of those visits to the ER resulted in a hospital admission, but not to the same hospital! The admitting hospital was down the road a piece. Same hospital SYSTEMS - but a different facility, which means, you guessed it, separate billing. Under different account numbers. For each DOS. And don't forget, the doctors bill separately also. Under different account numbers. For each DOS.

I called the admitting hospital in the hopes that I could get some kind of itemized bill that would list everything in one place because as steward of the finances, I really only want the grand total and where to send the check.

Unsurprisingly, I was met with an automated voice service. The voice system noted this system covered 4 different hospitals. The voice system was also kind enough to remind me that in order to get an itemized bill I would need "certain information".

If I did not have the "necessary information", I should "hang up, gather the necessary information..." and call back.

Unfortunately, the "necessary information" is apparently a government secret. They could tell me (I suppose) what I needed to have on hand to complete the call, but then they'd have to kill me. I still don't know what "necessary information" I should gather, but I was willing to give it all my best guess, so I pressed on.

I was instructed by the automated system to use the "touch tone keypad" on my phone to enter the "necessary information", and to press the # key when finished with each entry.

Question 1: Which facility initiated the bill you are requesting?

I waited. I waited to hear "for Lankenau Hospital, press or say 1; for Paoli Hospital, press or say 2...."

Nothing but silence. Was I supposed to be typing "Lankenau" or "Bryn Mawr" using my touch tone keypad?!? The delay resulted in the voice system telling me if I needed help I could press 0 to speak to a customer service representative.

I know when I need help and I'm not afraid to admit it. I pressed 0.

"Today is Monday, May 11. We are in a training session from 9:00 AM - Noon. Then we are in a meeting from 2:00-3:00 PM. Our office closes at 4:00 PM."

Looks like Round 2 will have to wait until tomorrow.