The Benefit Concert went very well and was pretty successful, thanks to many generous individuals. As the steward of the proceeds, I ventured forth to fulfill my obligation to determine exactly how much was to be distributed and to whom.
I am no stranger to the vagaries of hospital billing. I help publish books on the subject, so I was prepared for the first step - finding out who was billing for what services.
There were 4 trips to the ER over the last year. This, I knew, would result in 8 separate bills - two bills for each trip.
One bill from the hospital. One bill from the ER doctors.
What I was not prepared to for was the revelation that EACH visit and EACH bill would be listed under a DIFFERENT account number.
Most companies that generate bills link the account number to the individual. Therefore, no matter where you live, no matter how many times you purchase goods or services from the same company, they can tell you how much you owe them. I am Donna Lynn and my account number is --- -- -----------.
Not so with hospitals. The account number is linked to the date of service, or DOS in billing jargon. Each DOS is assigned its own account number. If you had 4 trips to the hospital, then you get 4 different account numbers. If you were actually seen by a doctor during that trip, then there's an account number for that too.
So, 4 dates of service equals 4 hospital bills with 4 different account numbers plus 4 doctor bills with 4 different account numbers. Everybody with me so far?
Now, given that the payment is late on these multiple accounts because of waiting for state aid to kick in, some of these bills have gone into collection, BUT not to the same collection agency. One agency has one bill for the hospital for one DOS. The other hospital bills for the other DOS are with a different agency. The bills for the physicians? Those are somewhere else altogether.
Moving on - two of those visits to the ER resulted in a hospital admission, but not to the same hospital! The admitting hospital was down the road a piece. Same hospital SYSTEMS - but a different facility, which means, you guessed it, separate billing. Under different account numbers. For each DOS. And don't forget, the doctors bill separately also. Under different account numbers. For each DOS.
I called the admitting hospital in the hopes that I could get some kind of itemized bill that would list everything in one place because as steward of the finances, I really only want the grand total and where to send the check.
Unsurprisingly, I was met with an automated voice service. The voice system noted this system covered 4 different hospitals. The voice system was also kind enough to remind me that in order to get an itemized bill I would need "certain information".
If I did not have the "necessary information", I should "hang up, gather the necessary information..." and call back.
Unfortunately, the "necessary information" is apparently a government secret. They could tell me (I suppose) what I needed to have on hand to complete the call, but then they'd have to kill me. I still don't know what "necessary information" I should gather, but I was willing to give it all my best guess, so I pressed on.
I was instructed by the automated system to use the "touch tone keypad" on my phone to enter the "necessary information", and to press the # key when finished with each entry.
Question 1: Which facility initiated the bill you are requesting?
I waited. I waited to hear "for Lankenau Hospital, press or say 1; for Paoli Hospital, press or say 2...."
Nothing but silence. Was I supposed to be typing "Lankenau" or "Bryn Mawr" using my touch tone keypad?!? The delay resulted in the voice system telling me if I needed help I could press 0 to speak to a customer service representative.
I know when I need help and I'm not afraid to admit it. I pressed 0.
"Today is Monday, May 11. We are in a training session from 9:00 AM - Noon. Then we are in a meeting from 2:00-3:00 PM. Our office closes at 4:00 PM."
Looks like Round 2 will have to wait until tomorrow.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
As I attempted to do last Lent, I spent this Lenten season trying to remember to say a prayer of thanks before every meal.
It had a two-fold purpose. One was to give me a reason to say a regular prayer, even if only a short one. I have fallen out of the habit of praying regularly, and I miss it. The second purpose was to help me be more mindful of what I was putting into my mouth figuring if I paid more attention to the whole eating process, I'd eat less.
The practice served the first purpose very well. Not quite as well on the second. No surprise there.
However, as is often true of these sorts of spiritual practices, another unexpected result has emerged, discovered after I ended up talking about it twice in the same evening.
The question posed to me was: What is the significance of giving thanks for food, or anything, except to make you yourself thankful for what you already have?
I thought it was a good question, particularly when one realizes that God (to whom the thanks is often offered) doesn't need our thanks. In other words, God is not dependent upon human thanks for validation. When we do a favor for someone and they say thanks, we feel good about doing them a favor. Our action is validated. We extended a small part of ourselves to another, they accept it, acknowledge it, and so the act comes full circle.
When we do a favor for someone and they never say thanks, or never acknowledge the act, we're left hanging out in the wind. We extended a small part of ourselves to another, and it disappeared. Suddenly there's this sense of loss and of feeling diminished or rejected.
This is not - cannot be - true of God. God is a constant. There is nothing anyone can do or say that adds to God or takes away from God. God is not any less God when we don't acknowledge what we believe has been given to us; God is not any greater a God when we do acknowledge the gifts in our lives.
So then why give thanks? And why does the subject of giving thanks come up as often as it does in Scripture, because there are many examples where people are chastised for not giving appropriate thanks to God. If God doesn't need it, then why lay the smackdown on those who seem to be ungrateful?
And the very short answer I've been thinking about is that giving thanks regularly does 2 things (at least):
1) it counters all the negative thoughts we conjure up in our heads by refuting them with reality. I may think I'm in a bad place (so the negative thoughts tell me) where I am unloved, unwanted, rejected, neglected, unhappy, etc., but when I step back and look firmly at the reality of what is truly in my life, I soon realize I am standing in a place of abundance. "Count your blessings" may seem to be a trite phrase, but it's no less important than counting our pennies to assure ourselves that we have enough money to live. If I'm careful to monitor what's in my bank account, then I should be at least as careful about monitoring what is in my spiritual account because I need that to live even more than I need money. Giving thanks is one way of taking inventory.
2) Giving thanks also keeps me humble in the sense that it compels me to stop assuming I have all this control; and therefore, all this responsibility; and therefore, all this opportunity for failure. When I acknowledge that there are good things in my life for which I can take little to no credit for having, it reminds me that I am merely a small part of a much bigger picture. It reconnects me to the One, and that provides me with a sense of wholeness - of completeness - in spite of all the broken-ness that surrounds me.
As far as being scripturally chastised for not giving thanks, it is becoming clearer to me that God's chastisement is at its harshest when we are denying ourselves God's greatest gifts. Understanding the abundance present in our lives by giving thanks is not to keep a wrathful God at bay. It is for our benefit, our growth, and our joy.
Thank God.
It had a two-fold purpose. One was to give me a reason to say a regular prayer, even if only a short one. I have fallen out of the habit of praying regularly, and I miss it. The second purpose was to help me be more mindful of what I was putting into my mouth figuring if I paid more attention to the whole eating process, I'd eat less.
The practice served the first purpose very well. Not quite as well on the second. No surprise there.
However, as is often true of these sorts of spiritual practices, another unexpected result has emerged, discovered after I ended up talking about it twice in the same evening.
The question posed to me was: What is the significance of giving thanks for food, or anything, except to make you yourself thankful for what you already have?
I thought it was a good question, particularly when one realizes that God (to whom the thanks is often offered) doesn't need our thanks. In other words, God is not dependent upon human thanks for validation. When we do a favor for someone and they say thanks, we feel good about doing them a favor. Our action is validated. We extended a small part of ourselves to another, they accept it, acknowledge it, and so the act comes full circle.
When we do a favor for someone and they never say thanks, or never acknowledge the act, we're left hanging out in the wind. We extended a small part of ourselves to another, and it disappeared. Suddenly there's this sense of loss and of feeling diminished or rejected.
This is not - cannot be - true of God. God is a constant. There is nothing anyone can do or say that adds to God or takes away from God. God is not any less God when we don't acknowledge what we believe has been given to us; God is not any greater a God when we do acknowledge the gifts in our lives.
So then why give thanks? And why does the subject of giving thanks come up as often as it does in Scripture, because there are many examples where people are chastised for not giving appropriate thanks to God. If God doesn't need it, then why lay the smackdown on those who seem to be ungrateful?
And the very short answer I've been thinking about is that giving thanks regularly does 2 things (at least):
1) it counters all the negative thoughts we conjure up in our heads by refuting them with reality. I may think I'm in a bad place (so the negative thoughts tell me) where I am unloved, unwanted, rejected, neglected, unhappy, etc., but when I step back and look firmly at the reality of what is truly in my life, I soon realize I am standing in a place of abundance. "Count your blessings" may seem to be a trite phrase, but it's no less important than counting our pennies to assure ourselves that we have enough money to live. If I'm careful to monitor what's in my bank account, then I should be at least as careful about monitoring what is in my spiritual account because I need that to live even more than I need money. Giving thanks is one way of taking inventory.
2) Giving thanks also keeps me humble in the sense that it compels me to stop assuming I have all this control; and therefore, all this responsibility; and therefore, all this opportunity for failure. When I acknowledge that there are good things in my life for which I can take little to no credit for having, it reminds me that I am merely a small part of a much bigger picture. It reconnects me to the One, and that provides me with a sense of wholeness - of completeness - in spite of all the broken-ness that surrounds me.
As far as being scripturally chastised for not giving thanks, it is becoming clearer to me that God's chastisement is at its harshest when we are denying ourselves God's greatest gifts. Understanding the abundance present in our lives by giving thanks is not to keep a wrathful God at bay. It is for our benefit, our growth, and our joy.
Thank God.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The Box
I have a new folder on my computer. It's called "The Box". I created this folder after the end of another relationship because I decided I needed a place to store memories that I wasn't ready to trash, but preferred to get them out of the way so I could not accidentally stumble upon them.
Who would have ever guessed we'd reach an era where we'd need to establish "cyber-attics"? Instead of a shoebox to keep old photos, letters written on fading paper, odds and ends that spark misty memories, we now need a minimum amount of mega-bytes on a hard drive.
In this age of digital photography, e-mails, IM's, file sharing, social networking, and all other forms of electronic communication and connection, letting go of a relationship is no longer as easy as washing that man/woman right outta your hair. This stuff sticks around.
A recent photo taken during one of our last dates was sent to me through e-mail. I opened the attachment, which created a permanent file automatically stored in my "Downloads" folder. Then I saved the file with a filename and put it into my "Pictures" folder. I wanted to share it with friends, so I attached the saved file to a new e-mail, which stored a copy in my "Sent" folder. One moment in time. One memory. Four copies that will last a lifetime.
I'm not ready to trash the photo. I've ditched a lot of the e-mails, gone through the IM logs and thrown out as much as I dare to at this point. I'm not getting any younger. My opportunity to create new memories is fairly less than it used to be, so I'm a little more particular about what I keep and what I try to forget. In a few more years, I'll be struggling a lot more to remember, and these photos - now a little painful to look at - may remind me of times when I did feel happiness and when I was in love and when I knew the intimate closeness of another soul next to mine.
Of course, one errant virus or slip of the finger on the wrong key, and I could end up losing these electronic bits and pieces of my life's data anyway.
Maybe I should burn it to a CD.....
Monday, November 10, 2008
Exercises in patience and faith.
Several seemingly disparate themes that have been playing out prominently in my life lately might have more in common than I would have guessed.
1) The music group at church. 2) My recent dating experiences. 3) My best friend's marital troubles. 4) A book I'm reading on Zen Buddhism. 5) A recent homily by Fr. Andrew Ciferni.
Fasten your seatbelts while I tie this all together....
In the last several months that our new director has been working with the music group at church, there has been an increasing sense of frustration, concern, and even anger over the music selection, tempos, time spent in rehearsal, directorial cues, and more. The battle for control has progressively been escalating with the very strong personalities of the group members clashing at every rehearsal with the equally strong personality of the new director.
I've been as guilty as anyone else in the group about giving my opinion on what should be done, how it should be done, and who should be doing it. Our performances, as a whole, have been sliding towards mediocrity, which appears to be the only thing we all agree on. At least in my opinion, this decline is no doubt due to the fact that everyone is so busy trying to make themselves heard that no one pays enough attention to the music, which is why we're there in the first place.
Core Issue - we all have a vision in our heads about how the group should sound and we are all determined to make it happen as we envision it.
Also in the last month I met a man with whom I had an instant connection, even before we met in person, the likes of which I don't believe I've ever experienced even with my ex-husband and my ex-bf. This man pushes every button I've got - intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically - and I am both ridiculously happy and terrified.
Core Issue - I have a vision in my head about how this relationship could work out and I deeply want that vision to materialize.
My best friend has been working 24/7 on her relationship with her husband. They are locked in a deep conflict filled with emotion, anger, fear, resentment, and have I mentioned fear?
Core Issue - They both have a vision of who the other partner should be and they are trying to convince each other why they each should achieve that vision.
1) The music group at church. 2) My recent dating experiences. 3) My best friend's marital troubles. 4) A book I'm reading on Zen Buddhism. 5) A recent homily by Fr. Andrew Ciferni.
Fasten your seatbelts while I tie this all together....
In the last several months that our new director has been working with the music group at church, there has been an increasing sense of frustration, concern, and even anger over the music selection, tempos, time spent in rehearsal, directorial cues, and more. The battle for control has progressively been escalating with the very strong personalities of the group members clashing at every rehearsal with the equally strong personality of the new director.
I've been as guilty as anyone else in the group about giving my opinion on what should be done, how it should be done, and who should be doing it. Our performances, as a whole, have been sliding towards mediocrity, which appears to be the only thing we all agree on. At least in my opinion, this decline is no doubt due to the fact that everyone is so busy trying to make themselves heard that no one pays enough attention to the music, which is why we're there in the first place.
Core Issue - we all have a vision in our heads about how the group should sound and we are all determined to make it happen as we envision it.
Also in the last month I met a man with whom I had an instant connection, even before we met in person, the likes of which I don't believe I've ever experienced even with my ex-husband and my ex-bf. This man pushes every button I've got - intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically - and I am both ridiculously happy and terrified.
Core Issue - I have a vision in my head about how this relationship could work out and I deeply want that vision to materialize.
My best friend has been working 24/7 on her relationship with her husband. They are locked in a deep conflict filled with emotion, anger, fear, resentment, and have I mentioned fear?
Core Issue - They both have a vision of who the other partner should be and they are trying to convince each other why they each should achieve that vision.
In the book on Zen Bhuddism (titled "Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies, and the Truth"), the author relates how he finally gets his dream job of all time - a fantasy he didn't think would ever come true - and within a very short time, it turns out to be just another job.
Core Issue - He had a vision in his head about what this dream job would be like, and how it would make him feel, but that vision clashed with the eventual reality. The very thing he was convinced would make him happy left him feeling the same as he did in his last job and the job before that and the job before that....
Now for the homily (which I will probably misquote because I meant to transcribe it and never did).....
Fr. Andrew spoke on the Gospel reading of Jesus throwing the merchants out of the temple. This is where Jesus finds people selling stuff inside the temple, which is supposed to be a house of prayer and not a place of commerce.
Now for the homily (which I will probably misquote because I meant to transcribe it and never did).....
Fr. Andrew spoke on the Gospel reading of Jesus throwing the merchants out of the temple. This is where Jesus finds people selling stuff inside the temple, which is supposed to be a house of prayer and not a place of commerce.
The merchants were doing a booming business inside the temple because there was a lot of emphasis placed on HOW to conduct worship. People wanted to be sure they had the right animals, the best specimens, the top tier materials because anything less might indicate they didn't care about their worship.
Rather than using the materials as a vehicle for their worship, they were at a point where, as Andrew described it, "Their vision of something was being blocked by worship."
This determination to achieve the vision of perfection means people "run the risk of thinking that the temple of stone, brick, wood or mud in the last analysis is a disposable container for the flesh and blood temples that we are individually and corporately."
We are the temples in which God dwells. How fully and how completely God dwells there depends on how freely we embrace God's presence, and how willingly we acknowledge God's presence in one another.
From Fr. Andrew - "In each other, honor God 'whose temples we have become'. Walk around realizing that you are constantly encountering temple. Honor God in each other."
If I can set aside my "vision" of what I think should be the perfect manifestation of God and God's will in my life, I may come to see what is already perfect and already manifested by God.
It's not easy to do because so many things work to convince us that what we envision is what will bring us happiness. It's hard not to chase after the promise of a dream. However, it may be that the path to lasting happiness lies not in having dreams or visions come true, but in the peace of knowing that in this moment, in this space, in all circumstances, God's love is the truth.Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Snake Handling
It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Lots of emotional upheaval for many reasons. The diagnosis of a serious illness for a close family member took some wind out of my sails. The prognosis is good, all things considered, and for that I am grateful. It is still a big mental and emotional adjustment to make, but I know we have all we need to get through it.
The saga of the ex-BF continued in a warped, dysfunctional, and painful manner, but as noted in my previous posts, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, so whatever consequences I have suffered have been because of my own choices.
Given how the whole thing has ultimately ended, I really had to give a lot of thought to what actually did happen and why because I’m not sure yet that it ended well at all. I know the ex doesn’t think it ended well. At the moment he’s one very sad and angry man, and by now has probably convinced himself that all of my actions were done for no other reason than to hurt and disrupt him.
Nothing could be further from the truth although I will acknowledge that he did, in fact, get hurt. It was not intentional any more than all the hurt caused to me and the others involved. There were a lot of bad choices being made on all sides and choices - whether bad or good - carry consequences. Sometimes you can see what those consequences will be and avoid the ones that are painful. Other times, you do the best you can with what you know and deal with the outcome.
If I tried to outline the details of the whole situation, I’d be getting calls from Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer asking me to come on the show. It was that bad.
By Sunday, I was almost completely overwhelmed by this toxic cesspool of dysfunctional behavior - and believe me, I am including myself in that description - and I went to Mass with a mind and heart positively boiling over with sadness, pain, and anger.
The first reading for Sunday was from an obscure section of the Book of Numbers and involved a story of cranky Israelites getting the smackdown from God in the form of serpents who bite. When the Israelites finally apologized for being so cranky and ungrateful, the cure for those who had been bitten by the serpents was to look upon a bronze serpent erected by Moses. Anyone who gazed directly at the bronze serpent would be healed of their bites. (I love Old Testament stories, don't you?)
And Father Andrew, who is an outstanding homilist, began his homily by saying, “The May 2005 issue of National Geographic Magazine cover story is ‘Poison – 12 Toxic Tales’. In the article the author reminds or teaches us that poison is a stealth killer effective in very small amounts. It can lead to death. But it’s also about life. What can kill, can cure.”
Toxicity is apparently the theme of the month.
Father Andrew went on to explain that in order to develop a better snake anti-venom, technicians inject a small amount of the venom into a chicken and then harvest the protein from their eggs to make the anti-venom. “The venom of serpents is a toxin, and that same venom has the potential to become the prescription that heals.”
This same concept (according to Fr. Andrew) is also be applicable to humanity. When you engage in a truthful examination of self and in a truthful dialog with others, you experience, consciously or not, the “truth of the snake”.
“If it bit you, whatever “it” may be, if it’s still biting you, if its teeth are still in your arm, or in your heart, or in your head, and you refuse to look at it, to pay concentrated and long attention to it, it will kill you or at least paralyze you for life.”
My ex is the snake that bit me and for the year that we were apart, I refused to look, concentrate, or pay any attention to the bite that was slowly paralyzing me in my life.
It wasn’t until I found out the situation he was falling into with the Toxic One that I had any inkling that it was time to pay attention to what bit me. According to Father Andrew there is a theological term for this - “Aufheben” - “auf” meaning “up”, “Heben” meaning “heave”. Upheaval.
I can’t even say it was a conscious thought. I never said to myself, “You know, maybe it’s time I finally dealt with this because a year later my life is still being paralyzed by this relationship that I ended.” That thought never entered my mind. It wasn’t about me. It was about my ex and his snakes. It was about the toxin entering his life.
Or so I thought.
The homily went on - “God disrupts our lives….. Jesus who went before us and taught us how to look around beyond our present comforts, the destruction of our little idols such as job success, advanced placement children, unchallenging religious life, smug status, you fill in the blanks. God changes us in, and through, one another’s care as we accompany those who are in special times in their lives where looking at the snake is painful, but necessary.
God makes a new creation as we are given the grace to keep our eyes steadfastly on what is biting us perhaps only after days, or weeks, or months, or many years of unforgiveness. God is creating wounded, but healed healers out of us."
And that is exactly how I saw myself - a wounded, but healed healer available to help my ex keep his eyes steadfastly on what was biting him. I was hopeful - no, certain - that if I could convince him to keep his focus on the truths about himself and about the situation he was in, then he would choose a wiser path.
And perhaps I did do that for him to a certain extent. Perhaps I did it for someone else in his life who is struggling to come to terms with her own “snakes”. I certainly hope there was, or will be, some benefit derived from all that transpired although I can't control how anyone else chooses to interpret my actions. Nor can I control what choices people will make even when confronted with what appears to be an obvious truth about themselves or their life.
But it was when I heard this next part that I realized how much this was also about the upheaval that I needed in my own life:
"They were worshiping something that in the past had been a good and had now become a god. A blessing had become an idol. So God created an upheaval. Our God will not be displaced. One way or another, even yesterday’s blessings will bite us and we will need to look at them long and hard before we will be healed and move on to the next step in the journey."
“Paying attention to what is biting us”, Andrew concluded, “will reveal the idols that need to be smashed….”
Whether it’s someone who hurt us in the past, or something that caused us pain or sorrow, or something that is causing us to be fearful, or even something that was originally a great good, when it consumes our thoughts and drives our actions in spite of, and above, everything else, that is when it becomes an “idol” in our lives. We become bound to it rather than being bound to God.
My “idol” was the dream of finally having the relationship I always wanted with the man I wanted to have it with, even though he had repeatedly demonstrated that it was never going to be. My desire for it was so strong that I became distracted from everything else and allowed it to paralyze my life even when he wasn't there. It wasn’t until I went through the painful process of steadfastly and truthfully looking at him, and at myself, that I could finally smash that idol.
He was, and still is, a man I love. But the snake bite has been healed, the idolized and idealized relationship is gone for good, and my life is no longer paralyzed. Amen.
The saga of the ex-BF continued in a warped, dysfunctional, and painful manner, but as noted in my previous posts, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, so whatever consequences I have suffered have been because of my own choices.
Given how the whole thing has ultimately ended, I really had to give a lot of thought to what actually did happen and why because I’m not sure yet that it ended well at all. I know the ex doesn’t think it ended well. At the moment he’s one very sad and angry man, and by now has probably convinced himself that all of my actions were done for no other reason than to hurt and disrupt him.
Nothing could be further from the truth although I will acknowledge that he did, in fact, get hurt. It was not intentional any more than all the hurt caused to me and the others involved. There were a lot of bad choices being made on all sides and choices - whether bad or good - carry consequences. Sometimes you can see what those consequences will be and avoid the ones that are painful. Other times, you do the best you can with what you know and deal with the outcome.
If I tried to outline the details of the whole situation, I’d be getting calls from Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer asking me to come on the show. It was that bad.
By Sunday, I was almost completely overwhelmed by this toxic cesspool of dysfunctional behavior - and believe me, I am including myself in that description - and I went to Mass with a mind and heart positively boiling over with sadness, pain, and anger.
The first reading for Sunday was from an obscure section of the Book of Numbers and involved a story of cranky Israelites getting the smackdown from God in the form of serpents who bite. When the Israelites finally apologized for being so cranky and ungrateful, the cure for those who had been bitten by the serpents was to look upon a bronze serpent erected by Moses. Anyone who gazed directly at the bronze serpent would be healed of their bites. (I love Old Testament stories, don't you?)
And Father Andrew, who is an outstanding homilist, began his homily by saying, “The May 2005 issue of National Geographic Magazine cover story is ‘Poison – 12 Toxic Tales’. In the article the author reminds or teaches us that poison is a stealth killer effective in very small amounts. It can lead to death. But it’s also about life. What can kill, can cure.”
Toxicity is apparently the theme of the month.
Father Andrew went on to explain that in order to develop a better snake anti-venom, technicians inject a small amount of the venom into a chicken and then harvest the protein from their eggs to make the anti-venom. “The venom of serpents is a toxin, and that same venom has the potential to become the prescription that heals.”
This same concept (according to Fr. Andrew) is also be applicable to humanity. When you engage in a truthful examination of self and in a truthful dialog with others, you experience, consciously or not, the “truth of the snake”.
“If it bit you, whatever “it” may be, if it’s still biting you, if its teeth are still in your arm, or in your heart, or in your head, and you refuse to look at it, to pay concentrated and long attention to it, it will kill you or at least paralyze you for life.”
My ex is the snake that bit me and for the year that we were apart, I refused to look, concentrate, or pay any attention to the bite that was slowly paralyzing me in my life.
It wasn’t until I found out the situation he was falling into with the Toxic One that I had any inkling that it was time to pay attention to what bit me. According to Father Andrew there is a theological term for this - “Aufheben” - “auf” meaning “up”, “Heben” meaning “heave”. Upheaval.
I can’t even say it was a conscious thought. I never said to myself, “You know, maybe it’s time I finally dealt with this because a year later my life is still being paralyzed by this relationship that I ended.” That thought never entered my mind. It wasn’t about me. It was about my ex and his snakes. It was about the toxin entering his life.
Or so I thought.
The homily went on - “God disrupts our lives….. Jesus who went before us and taught us how to look around beyond our present comforts, the destruction of our little idols such as job success, advanced placement children, unchallenging religious life, smug status, you fill in the blanks. God changes us in, and through, one another’s care as we accompany those who are in special times in their lives where looking at the snake is painful, but necessary.
God makes a new creation as we are given the grace to keep our eyes steadfastly on what is biting us perhaps only after days, or weeks, or months, or many years of unforgiveness. God is creating wounded, but healed healers out of us."
And that is exactly how I saw myself - a wounded, but healed healer available to help my ex keep his eyes steadfastly on what was biting him. I was hopeful - no, certain - that if I could convince him to keep his focus on the truths about himself and about the situation he was in, then he would choose a wiser path.
And perhaps I did do that for him to a certain extent. Perhaps I did it for someone else in his life who is struggling to come to terms with her own “snakes”. I certainly hope there was, or will be, some benefit derived from all that transpired although I can't control how anyone else chooses to interpret my actions. Nor can I control what choices people will make even when confronted with what appears to be an obvious truth about themselves or their life.
But it was when I heard this next part that I realized how much this was also about the upheaval that I needed in my own life:
"They were worshiping something that in the past had been a good and had now become a god. A blessing had become an idol. So God created an upheaval. Our God will not be displaced. One way or another, even yesterday’s blessings will bite us and we will need to look at them long and hard before we will be healed and move on to the next step in the journey."
“Paying attention to what is biting us”, Andrew concluded, “will reveal the idols that need to be smashed….”
Whether it’s someone who hurt us in the past, or something that caused us pain or sorrow, or something that is causing us to be fearful, or even something that was originally a great good, when it consumes our thoughts and drives our actions in spite of, and above, everything else, that is when it becomes an “idol” in our lives. We become bound to it rather than being bound to God.
My “idol” was the dream of finally having the relationship I always wanted with the man I wanted to have it with, even though he had repeatedly demonstrated that it was never going to be. My desire for it was so strong that I became distracted from everything else and allowed it to paralyze my life even when he wasn't there. It wasn’t until I went through the painful process of steadfastly and truthfully looking at him, and at myself, that I could finally smash that idol.
He was, and still is, a man I love. But the snake bite has been healed, the idolized and idealized relationship is gone for good, and my life is no longer paralyzed. Amen.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Spiritually Toxic
I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. The ex-bf (as noted in another post) has re-emerged in my life and I've been spending what most people (myself included) would consider an inordinate amount of time examining his life and his current relationship.
Apparently, I'm not the only one taking an interest as he mentioned he's received advice from other friends who have all said the same thing about the new woman - RUN! RUN AWAY NOW!!
But I feel that I, more so than others, needed to figure out just WHY I have this sense of so much urgency in getting him to see her in a truer light. After all, I'm not going out with him anymore. I could without any guilt announce that none of this is any of my business and walk away from it. But I've not done that, and instead have continued to pull and tug at his situation to get at the truth, whatever it may be.
At long last, I think I figured it out.
There are a lot of different types of spirituality, and I have a lot of respect for whatever people decide is their best path to a more spiritually aware existence....as long as it's authentic.
An authentically spiritually aware person - regardless of their personal religious beliefs - recognizes the unity in the human spirit. When one harms another person's spirit either through unkind words or actions, or through lies, or through deception, one cannot help but harm one's own spirit in the process. It's a full scale lose-lose scenario. By harming another person, their own soul becomes diminished and corrupted.
The authentically spiritually aware person literally cannot bring themselves to deliberately do harm to another person unless they have been so greatly provoked that they fall victim to their baser instincts. Their understanding of how entwined they are with the One Spirit of the universe makes such actions seem suicidal. Gratuitously hurting someone else out of spite, or out of selfishness, is abhorrent.
The person who claims to be spiritually aware and professes to live according an enlightened understanding of the universe, but who then engages in vindictive acts or vicious speech against another person is not authentic. They are pretending to be something they are not, and what makes them particularly toxic is that they KNOW they're not what they claim to be. Given the choice, they'd sooner choose to manipulate and disrespect others because that is where they find the most satisfaction. The "higher plane" is nothing more than window dressing.
This is beyond the ordinary sins every person experiences in their lives from time to time. We all have gossiped about someone behind their back, we all have made false judgments about others, we all have lied at one time or another to gain an advantage, but there is a huge difference between the ordinary failings of human nature and the spiritually toxic person.
The biggest difference is remorse. Under ordinary circumstances, when confronted by the pain we've caused another person, the ordinary person is remorseful. We feel bad that we hurt someone's feelings. We realize we've done harm, and we're sorry. We're empathetic. We apologize and try to make amends. Even if we meant to hurt someone out of anger, once the anger dissipates, we realize how it was emotion that led the action and we suffer some measure of regret.
The spiritually toxic person suffers no such mental anguish. The goal is to win the game. It is to appear smarter, stronger, and more in control, and their favorite tactic is to undermine those they see as less smart or unworthy of their respect. And they never apologize for anything.
Their chief weapon is to keep their opponent (or target is probably a better word) emotionally off balance. In an emotionally unstable state, such as when deeply infatuated, or depressed, or fearful, the mind cannot properly process the information it's being fed. In other words, logic goes right out the window.
So the spiritually toxic person zeros in on the emotional weaknesses and exploits them. They'll criticize small seemingly inconsequential points because if they criticized the big things, the target might stop to question them. By focusing on smaller points, the target doesn't pay them much attention initially. They feel a little prick and then it passes. They write it off as unimportant, or worse they find themselves apologizing to the spiritually toxic person for not meeting their expectations.
It might be a criticism about appearance, or about job status, or about home status, or about the kind of car they have, or even sexual performance. If it's not an outright criticism, then it's a suggestion on how to "improve" these small flaws.
However, all those little shots add up and before long each little sting of criticism gets heaped on all the others and without even being aware that it's happening, the target soon believes they are as worthless and weak as they're being told, which is where the spiritually toxic person wants them.
A spiritually and emotionally weak person is a tasty morsel for the spiritually toxic person. They can say whatever pops into their head and the weaker person will believe and react without question because more than anything they suddenly want what they now believe can only come from the toxic person - approval and affection.
The toxic person, having received the desired reaction from the target, delights in this imbalance of power. They are now the mood setter for the target. It is entirely within their control to determine if the target will have a good day, or a bad day. One word of praise, and the target feels good. One word of criticism, and the target feels terrible.
In normal relationships there are also good days and bad days, but they occur naturally and not as the result of one partner setting the stage and then directing the script. In normal relationships, there is usually a string of good days interrupted by the occasional bad day.
A toxic relationship is where one partner hangs on pins and needles 99% of the time waiting, waiting, waiting for the verdict. Will I be loved today? Will I be rejected today? Will there be laughter, or will there be tears? A toxic relationship at its worst is when the target no longer has "good" days. There are bad days, and then there are "waiting" days. Days where the target does not experience any joy, but only the relentless pressure of waiting for the other shoe to drop that indicates a bad day has begun.
When it comes to my ex-bf's new companion, having now heard and witnessed more and more of the details of this relationship, I can't think of anyone more spiritually toxic, and this sense of almost overwhelming urgency is realizing that if she wins - if she achieves the level of control in his life that she is so desperately seeking, then his very soul will ultimately be sucked out of him.
I loved this man with great passion and intensity. If I saw a truck headed his way, I would pull him away. If he was addicted to alcohol or drugs, I'd schedule an intervention. I would do it, regardless of my current status as the ex-gf, because I am a spiritually aware person and it is against everything I believe about God and the Universe to ignore when someone I care about is in jeopardy. The label I might carry in his life is irrelevant. He is, to me, a loved one, and loved ones cannot be abandoned.
My most fervent prayer is that God grants him the grace of mental clarity and vision so that he can see the danger he's in, and that God also grants him the strength and perseverance to save himself from it.
Apparently, I'm not the only one taking an interest as he mentioned he's received advice from other friends who have all said the same thing about the new woman - RUN! RUN AWAY NOW!!
But I feel that I, more so than others, needed to figure out just WHY I have this sense of so much urgency in getting him to see her in a truer light. After all, I'm not going out with him anymore. I could without any guilt announce that none of this is any of my business and walk away from it. But I've not done that, and instead have continued to pull and tug at his situation to get at the truth, whatever it may be.
At long last, I think I figured it out.
There are a lot of different types of spirituality, and I have a lot of respect for whatever people decide is their best path to a more spiritually aware existence....as long as it's authentic.
An authentically spiritually aware person - regardless of their personal religious beliefs - recognizes the unity in the human spirit. When one harms another person's spirit either through unkind words or actions, or through lies, or through deception, one cannot help but harm one's own spirit in the process. It's a full scale lose-lose scenario. By harming another person, their own soul becomes diminished and corrupted.
The authentically spiritually aware person literally cannot bring themselves to deliberately do harm to another person unless they have been so greatly provoked that they fall victim to their baser instincts. Their understanding of how entwined they are with the One Spirit of the universe makes such actions seem suicidal. Gratuitously hurting someone else out of spite, or out of selfishness, is abhorrent.
The person who claims to be spiritually aware and professes to live according an enlightened understanding of the universe, but who then engages in vindictive acts or vicious speech against another person is not authentic. They are pretending to be something they are not, and what makes them particularly toxic is that they KNOW they're not what they claim to be. Given the choice, they'd sooner choose to manipulate and disrespect others because that is where they find the most satisfaction. The "higher plane" is nothing more than window dressing.
This is beyond the ordinary sins every person experiences in their lives from time to time. We all have gossiped about someone behind their back, we all have made false judgments about others, we all have lied at one time or another to gain an advantage, but there is a huge difference between the ordinary failings of human nature and the spiritually toxic person.
The biggest difference is remorse. Under ordinary circumstances, when confronted by the pain we've caused another person, the ordinary person is remorseful. We feel bad that we hurt someone's feelings. We realize we've done harm, and we're sorry. We're empathetic. We apologize and try to make amends. Even if we meant to hurt someone out of anger, once the anger dissipates, we realize how it was emotion that led the action and we suffer some measure of regret.
The spiritually toxic person suffers no such mental anguish. The goal is to win the game. It is to appear smarter, stronger, and more in control, and their favorite tactic is to undermine those they see as less smart or unworthy of their respect. And they never apologize for anything.
Their chief weapon is to keep their opponent (or target is probably a better word) emotionally off balance. In an emotionally unstable state, such as when deeply infatuated, or depressed, or fearful, the mind cannot properly process the information it's being fed. In other words, logic goes right out the window.
So the spiritually toxic person zeros in on the emotional weaknesses and exploits them. They'll criticize small seemingly inconsequential points because if they criticized the big things, the target might stop to question them. By focusing on smaller points, the target doesn't pay them much attention initially. They feel a little prick and then it passes. They write it off as unimportant, or worse they find themselves apologizing to the spiritually toxic person for not meeting their expectations.
It might be a criticism about appearance, or about job status, or about home status, or about the kind of car they have, or even sexual performance. If it's not an outright criticism, then it's a suggestion on how to "improve" these small flaws.
However, all those little shots add up and before long each little sting of criticism gets heaped on all the others and without even being aware that it's happening, the target soon believes they are as worthless and weak as they're being told, which is where the spiritually toxic person wants them.
A spiritually and emotionally weak person is a tasty morsel for the spiritually toxic person. They can say whatever pops into their head and the weaker person will believe and react without question because more than anything they suddenly want what they now believe can only come from the toxic person - approval and affection.
The toxic person, having received the desired reaction from the target, delights in this imbalance of power. They are now the mood setter for the target. It is entirely within their control to determine if the target will have a good day, or a bad day. One word of praise, and the target feels good. One word of criticism, and the target feels terrible.
In normal relationships there are also good days and bad days, but they occur naturally and not as the result of one partner setting the stage and then directing the script. In normal relationships, there is usually a string of good days interrupted by the occasional bad day.
A toxic relationship is where one partner hangs on pins and needles 99% of the time waiting, waiting, waiting for the verdict. Will I be loved today? Will I be rejected today? Will there be laughter, or will there be tears? A toxic relationship at its worst is when the target no longer has "good" days. There are bad days, and then there are "waiting" days. Days where the target does not experience any joy, but only the relentless pressure of waiting for the other shoe to drop that indicates a bad day has begun.
When it comes to my ex-bf's new companion, having now heard and witnessed more and more of the details of this relationship, I can't think of anyone more spiritually toxic, and this sense of almost overwhelming urgency is realizing that if she wins - if she achieves the level of control in his life that she is so desperately seeking, then his very soul will ultimately be sucked out of him.
I loved this man with great passion and intensity. If I saw a truck headed his way, I would pull him away. If he was addicted to alcohol or drugs, I'd schedule an intervention. I would do it, regardless of my current status as the ex-gf, because I am a spiritually aware person and it is against everything I believe about God and the Universe to ignore when someone I care about is in jeopardy. The label I might carry in his life is irrelevant. He is, to me, a loved one, and loved ones cannot be abandoned.
My most fervent prayer is that God grants him the grace of mental clarity and vision so that he can see the danger he's in, and that God also grants him the strength and perseverance to save himself from it.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Relationships
I talked to my ex today. Not the ex-husband (although I should call him and find out how he's doing). The ex-boyfriend. It was a weird and slightly unsettling conversation that's left me feeling rather melancholy.
I called him because I heard through an e-mail exchange that he was "partnering" as one half of a duo with a woman I know from some of the local music circles. I don't know the woman very well at all, but I know who she is and there are a lot of mutual acquaintances, so it was kind of weird to hear third-hand how my ex is now becoming part of that same circle. I don't see it as being a good fit in the long run, but he's apparently interested in pursuing her, so what do I know.
Much to my dismay I found myself asking my ex some very pointed questions about his relationship with this woman. No sooner were the questions out of my mouth than I realized that this is none of my business. I don't need to know if they're dating, or for how long, or if she's met his mother yet, or anything about any of it. I'm not going out with him, so it's not any of my concern.
Yet I couldn't help but wonder about it. We were together for five years...maybe a little more than five years...so I was curious.
He laughed when I apologized for prying and pointed out that I've been bringing up the subject of our breakup nearly every time we talk. As a reminder, he said, you were the one who left.
And I was the one who left. I broke it off. I did more than break it off. I broke it off, then I sold my house, then I moved two hours away from where he lives. I think I've seen him maybe three times in the year since we split up.
I can't say I regret the breakup. What I regret is that the relationship could not be made to work. In the face of such an uphill and unwinnable battle, breaking up was the right decision. I would have preferred though that the battle could have been won.
And that's the part that brings on the melancholy. When things were good between us, things were amazingly good. And when things were good, I loved that man with everything in me.
Unfortunately, the bad was pretty bad and while a lot of bad things can be overlooked or negotiated or compromised, there are some bad things that will never change. It was the never changing bad stuff that finally got me to understand that this was not going to work out.
So I know the decision was good. Every time I've ever started to second guess myself all I have to do is think of one of those unchangeable bad things, the tears that were shed, the less than stellar parts of my personality that were revealed, and I instantly remember why I broke it off.
In the year since we've been apart we've both managed to do a lot of things we always said we wanted to do. We're both doing our musical thing in different areas and with different people. I've regained a lot of my spiritual center. He's been enjoying the freedom of being "single" again. We had our sights set on different goals and what we couldn't accomplish as a couple, we're managing to make happen on our own.
Even so, talking to him today and thinking about him in the arms of another woman just made me feel sad for the loss of what might have been.
I called him because I heard through an e-mail exchange that he was "partnering" as one half of a duo with a woman I know from some of the local music circles. I don't know the woman very well at all, but I know who she is and there are a lot of mutual acquaintances, so it was kind of weird to hear third-hand how my ex is now becoming part of that same circle. I don't see it as being a good fit in the long run, but he's apparently interested in pursuing her, so what do I know.
Much to my dismay I found myself asking my ex some very pointed questions about his relationship with this woman. No sooner were the questions out of my mouth than I realized that this is none of my business. I don't need to know if they're dating, or for how long, or if she's met his mother yet, or anything about any of it. I'm not going out with him, so it's not any of my concern.
Yet I couldn't help but wonder about it. We were together for five years...maybe a little more than five years...so I was curious.
He laughed when I apologized for prying and pointed out that I've been bringing up the subject of our breakup nearly every time we talk. As a reminder, he said, you were the one who left.
And I was the one who left. I broke it off. I did more than break it off. I broke it off, then I sold my house, then I moved two hours away from where he lives. I think I've seen him maybe three times in the year since we split up.
I can't say I regret the breakup. What I regret is that the relationship could not be made to work. In the face of such an uphill and unwinnable battle, breaking up was the right decision. I would have preferred though that the battle could have been won.
And that's the part that brings on the melancholy. When things were good between us, things were amazingly good. And when things were good, I loved that man with everything in me.
Unfortunately, the bad was pretty bad and while a lot of bad things can be overlooked or negotiated or compromised, there are some bad things that will never change. It was the never changing bad stuff that finally got me to understand that this was not going to work out.
So I know the decision was good. Every time I've ever started to second guess myself all I have to do is think of one of those unchangeable bad things, the tears that were shed, the less than stellar parts of my personality that were revealed, and I instantly remember why I broke it off.
In the year since we've been apart we've both managed to do a lot of things we always said we wanted to do. We're both doing our musical thing in different areas and with different people. I've regained a lot of my spiritual center. He's been enjoying the freedom of being "single" again. We had our sights set on different goals and what we couldn't accomplish as a couple, we're managing to make happen on our own.
Even so, talking to him today and thinking about him in the arms of another woman just made me feel sad for the loss of what might have been.
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