Relationships

I talked to my ex today. Not the ex-husband (although I should call him and find out how he's doing). The ex-boyfriend. It was a weird and slightly unsettling conversation that's left me feeling rather melancholy.

I called him because I heard through an e-mail exchange that he was "partnering" as one half of a duo with a woman I know from some of the local music circles. I don't know the woman very well at all, but I know who she is and there are a lot of mutual acquaintances, so it was kind of weird to hear third-hand how my ex is now becoming part of that same circle. I don't see it as being a good fit in the long run, but he's apparently interested in pursuing her, so what do I know.

Much to my dismay I found myself asking my ex some very pointed questions about his relationship with this woman. No sooner were the questions out of my mouth than I realized that this is none of my business. I don't need to know if they're dating, or for how long, or if she's met his mother yet, or anything about any of it. I'm not going out with him, so it's not any of my concern.

Yet I couldn't help but wonder about it. We were together for five years...maybe a little more than five years...so I was curious.

He laughed when I apologized for prying and pointed out that I've been bringing up the subject of our breakup nearly every time we talk. As a reminder, he said, you were the one who left.

And I was the one who left. I broke it off. I did more than break it off. I broke it off, then I sold my house, then I moved two hours away from where he lives. I think I've seen him maybe three times in the year since we split up.

I can't say I regret the breakup. What I regret is that the relationship could not be made to work. In the face of such an uphill and unwinnable battle, breaking up was the right decision. I would have preferred though that the battle could have been won.

And that's the part that brings on the melancholy. When things were good between us, things were amazingly good. And when things were good, I loved that man with everything in me.

Unfortunately, the bad was pretty bad and while a lot of bad things can be overlooked or negotiated or compromised, there are some bad things that will never change. It was the never changing bad stuff that finally got me to understand that this was not going to work out.

So I know the decision was good. Every time I've ever started to second guess myself all I have to do is think of one of those unchangeable bad things, the tears that were shed, the less than stellar parts of my personality that were revealed, and I instantly remember why I broke it off.

In the year since we've been apart we've both managed to do a lot of things we always said we wanted to do. We're both doing our musical thing in different areas and with different people. I've regained a lot of my spiritual center. He's been enjoying the freedom of being "single" again. We had our sights set on different goals and what we couldn't accomplish as a couple, we're managing to make happen on our own.

Even so, talking to him today and thinking about him in the arms of another woman just made me feel sad for the loss of what might have been.